I’m a stranger in a new land. Who will I meet? Who will I become? Is it worth the feeling of estrangement and deep solitude?
I’m getting this feeling that I’ve been here before; like I’m having frequent Deja Vu and these are sensations that I am equipped to deal with, but it is all still novel.
I have been in Austin for 2.5 weeks. It has been hard.. It’s been lonely, and I’m truly my only friend right now. But this will change!
My goal for the month of October is to make one person here that I can genuinely call a friend. I need to put myself in positions to increase the chance of this happening. Attending Austin events, being courageous and myself, accepting and allowing God’s spontaneity.
During this first phase in Texas, I have felt like a true NPC. Like my existence truly doesn’t mean anything to anyone. This is valid, bc it is literally true, I dont know anyone and noone knows me. Many people go the majority of their lives feeling this way, I empathize now. This feeling is shitty and depressing, but people adapt to the misery.
I feel like I am in the midst of doing a rite of passage and I need to get out of the shallows
I remember when I was entering kindergarten as a non-English speaking little fellow, it felt like a BIG scary new wrld. I cried on my first day because I didn’t understand what my teacher was trying to tell me; She was asking if I wanted to go to recess before school started; I later met my first ever friend Esai who made everything more enjoyable. Parkside then became my stomping grounds.
When I entered middle school, I was once again entering this BIG scary new wrld where internal battles were fought to figure out where I fit and if I was on par with the other more “competent” middle schoolers. I was on par, I was ahead, South Middle School gifted me with a great foundation that I carry today.
Then again during early high school, when my consciousness and formative personality began taking true form, I felt the same sensation: I am entering a BIG scary new wrld. I began reading about great people that I wanted to be like. I’d skip my lunch and go to the library to read, I’d stay up all night reading and get sent to detention because I was reading during class time. I’d sit in the isolated corners and absorb the energy from these books. It could have been seen as immensely isolating, but I felt empowered and I felt like I could belong.
Then again in college, the BIG scary new wrld. Who am I now? Who will I meet? Will I meet my wife? Will I meet my cofounders? Will I start something here that ultimately determines my legacy?
Then again going abroad, and now once again here in Austin…
It feels like slippery footing, like to get through to the opening you need to struggle, struggle well. Its suffocating and fortifying at the same time
I don’t feel like I belong anywhere, or with anyone here, not yet. I am on this new quest alone, with the full support of my Family, and I must slow things down and build the foundation. There is no other option.
This is a BIG scary new wrld. Fear is fictional, go thru and dont look back. Why am I so lucky?
Love you all, Yahir